Permission to Pause

There are times in life when we need to let go of something we love to make room for something we love even more. I find myself at one of those times now. 

Ever since I was a young girl I’ve wanted to write. And I have. I’ve journaled. I’ve written poems. Even during the seasons when I didn’t have time for writing for fun, I wrote technical documents for my career in housing. For the last three years or more, I’ve consistently written my blog which evolved into my podcast, Longing for More..

Writing has been a beautiful outlet to express my feelings. In my younger years, the writing was strictly something I did for myself.  In recent years with the podcast, it has provided a platform to share my voice in this crazy mixed-up world. A voice that often shares a different perspective from mainstream society. 

I a so grateful to you for listening and have to be honest, I’ve fallen in love with everything about the process. Whether it is a show with guests or what I called my monologue where I just express my own thoughts, I’ve enjoyed recording, editing, and producing the show.

And now it’s time to press pause on this show I love so much.

Probably 20 years ago God gave me the title to my book. In December of 2018, I announced on this show that it was time to write that book. I’ve talked about it a few times on the show and committed myself to it again in January, but honestly, it keeps getting pushed off to the side.

A couple of weeks ago I was watching the series the Chosen. If you haven’t watched it yet, you should. It’s really good. They basically take Biblical stories and fill in the gaps.  I’m a detail person and really love authors who help me imagine all of the finer aspects to the scenes described in the Bible.  I’ve come to realize they aren’t just stories they are glimpses into real people’s lives. I’m sure that is part of the reason I love this series so much.  In one of the episodes, Peter was in a tough spot. In their depiction of the story, he owed the government a lot of money, and his deadline to pay up was fast approaching.  

In one last effort to pay his debt, he fished all night long.  He did everything he could to fill his nets and didn’t catch one fish. You may recognize where the Bible picks up here because it was that morning that he and his friends came across Jesus preaching on the shore.  They stopped to listen. When it was time to leave, Jesus asked Peter to drop his net one more time. Peter started to argue with Jesus but ended up doing what he was asked. 

I sat with tears streaming down my face as the nets were filled to overflowing. Jesus had asked Peter to trust him. When Peter followed what Jesus asked him to do, he was rewarded abundantly. Peter ultimately gave up everything to follow Jesus and become a fisher of men; something he soon found was to be so much more gratifying than any work he’d ever done previously.

It was in this same timeframe that I had been called back for an abnormal mammogram. That test showed some suspicious tissue that they felt compelled to biopsy. I’ve had lots of ultrasounds and follow up mammograms in the past, but never a biopsy.  Somehow, I knew this time was different.

I was remarkably calm about it. In fact, I told very few people about it because I wanted to be sure before I had to explain much to the loved ones in my life. I knew with all my heart that God would carry me through it. In fact, a part of me started thinking that if it was cancer, it might be a good time to pause the podcast and write my book. 

And I really liked that idea. I started imagining my life as being the author I always dreamed of being and what that life could be like. A part of me started to hope that it was cancer so I could do just that! I know… it sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it?

And that is when it occurred to me that I don’t have to have a life-threatening illness to give myself permission to do what I have always dreamed of doing. I just needed to do it! Yet knowing that I can and doing it are two different things. It was scary to give up something, even for a short time, that I’d become so attached to. 

One night as I prepared for bed I listened to a meditation that led me through a prayer that had me ask Jesus to speak to me through my dreams. Now I know he speaks to me at night a lot, but this night was particularly memorable because I woke up with the words, “Absolute Faith” on my mind. And it felt like God said, “We’ve got this, just have absolute faith.”

But what exactly is absolute faith? I looked it up and the word absolute means perfect, complete, not mixed or adulterated, pure, outright, and not limited in any way. The definition of faith is confidence or trust in a person or thing, a belief that is not based on proof, and, of course, my favorite, a belief in God and His promises as made through Christ and the scriptures by which humans are justified or saved. 

I decided it was God’s way of saying, “Don’t mind what the pros say, you can take a rest from the show and fulfill this dream. It’s time.” Or could he have been saying, “cast your net on the other side of the boat, Vona?”

So here I am. I’m ready to let go of the good to get better. I’m ready to create space to live my more. And the best way for me to that is is to give myself permission to pause. You see, the tests showed some spots that need to be removed.  Fortunately, we caught it really early in the game so it means it will take very little away from the work I feel blessed to do. I’ll have some appointments, but nothing drastic. I just want to make space for the things my soul is longing for. And more importantly for the work that I believe God is asking me to do in this season of life. 

I’m not exactly sure what that looks like, but I’ve decided that I don’t need to. I trust that God will provide the next step when I need to know what it is. How’s that for Absolute Faith? 

So initially, I’m taking a 30-day break from the podcast. I envision myself continuing the production of the show, but at this point, I don’t know when or how often. Hopefully, that will be clear to me when I do my next show on October 20, 2020. I plan to write on what is happening on my blog on occasion during this pause from my usual schedule. Since it will be sporadic, I encourage you to sign up for my mailing list so I can keep you posted on what’s happening and when I publish a blog post. I know it is important to keep those of you who have been gracious enough to follow this podcast and my other work informed of my progress, but feel compelled to do so in a somewhat less exposed place than Facebook; my blog and email will be a good place for us to communicate.  

In the meantime, I ask for your prayers for God’s guidance on this journey and for His will to prevail. And I thank you for your patience and your grace to understand my need for this space in my life at this time. 

In addition to writing, I am looking forward to spending more time in the Word and with friends and family during this short pause. I plan to give myself time to rest and my body time to heal. But I’m not stopping. No, not even close. That is why this episode is Permission to Pause. 

I’m sure it sounds crazy, but it feels pretty amazing to be giving myself permission to pause at this juncture of my life. I feel blessed to be surrounded by the many friends and family that God has provided to share the journey with me and I am excited to be able to live out my dream. To finally live my more to a greater degree than ever before!

So I really appreciate you stopping by today. It means a lot to me that you are still here. Let’s stay in touch and I look forward to seeing you back here in a month…October 20 to be exact.  And if you find yourself longing for more, there are 122 past episodes to listen to and almost that many blog posts to go read. I’d be honored if you’d listen or read some of them.  I’m amazed at how relevant they still are after all these months.

You are such a gift. I hope you know that.  And I hope when God calls you to it, you too will give yourself permission to pause. 

Until next time, go, be blessed, stay safe, and live your more!

And PS – ladies…if you haven’t already, go get your mammogram done. And men, you are not off the hook, make sure the women you love are current too. 

Be well friend.  

To listen to this on the podcast or for links to some of the references click here. 

For updates to this post, click here.